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Joke of the week- 28.02.2011

dawid — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 14:38:13 +0000

A man’s wife is truly disturbed by her husband’s untimely death and surprised when summoned by the undertaker to visit him urgently.She goes along as requested and adopted a suitably horrified expression when he explained the reason for the invitation.

‘You see madam, when preparing your husband’s body we noticed that he has an erection’ he explained with some embarrassment.

Oh, my goodness! Please let me have a look.’

She is shown into the funeral parlour where her husband, otherwise clearly at rest, was, indeed, sporting an enviable stiffy!

‘So what are we going to do?’ she asked in a quiet voice.

‘Well. We could amputate it and put it beneath the body so that nobody will notice it when he is in the open coffin’ he suggested.

‘Er no. I don’t think so. What if it became lost and he was buried for eternity without his John Thomas? No. I’ve made up my mind. I’m a nurse and can be quite determined about things’ she added. ‘You may amputate it but I want it lubricated and inserted into his rectum. In this way it will not be lost.’

So the undertaker performs this unusual service and, on the day of the funeral, the body is on display at his earthly home for the benefit of the mourners.

Just before the arrival of the first invited people, the wife is gazing lovingly at the face of the man with whom she has shared most of her adult life. As she looks she notices a single teardrop running from the left eye and down the left cheek.

A look of triumph replaces the fondness: ‘At last, you bastard’ she hisses, ‘I always told you that it hurts!!!’

Booze in Krakow

dawid — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 14:23:59 +0000

It’s not often that my beloved Dawid Nowak, senior partner and founder of Party Krakow finds me an interesting (extra) job to do. He’s bloody good at English but he delights in finding me tasks that any normal guy would consider above and beyond the call of duty simply because I’m British. So can you imagine our last meeting?

I always quake with terror when Dave has an idea. Normally his ideas involve me in learning new computer techniques and then making a dog’s bollocks of them until some fresh faced teenager comes along and tells me that I’m pressing a wrong button somewhere. So can you imagine my delight when he smiled at me (rare these days) and said that he only wanted me to try a new beer every week and write to our readers about the experience?

I was gobsmacked and ponced around in a delirium of delight for a few days at the prospect! ‘What a job!’ I thought. The only problem that I have now is trying to find a way to get the stingy sod to actually pay for the beers! Just kidding, of course!

So here we go. Glug, glug, burp!

Name: Okocim Pszeniczne (pronounced pshenitchna!)

Availability: Many bars, supermarkets and specialist hooch shops “Alcohole”

Bottle appearance: brown, tall and without label but with a yellow paper band around the neck

This is an interesting alternative to the average very good Polish beer. It’s brewed from wheat as opposed to barley and approximates to German Weissbier. The brewer is Okocim and they are based in a town some 50 miles east of Krakow. They have a long tradition and a wide product range and I will be writing about other drinks from them in the future.

When you open the bottle, there is no welcoming whoosh, rather a soft and seductive hiss. And when you pour the beer into a long glass, it forms a short lived head entirely due to the natural carbon dioxide in the fermentation process. As our Krakow stags will all know, fermentation produces equal quantities of alcohol and carbon dioxide by weight. The alcohol content is just 5% and that is not strong by Polish standards. So perhaps this little brew might be viewed as a pre-breakfast booster or a quencher on a hot day! The beer is slightly cloudy and has a flat appearance. It’s not a “lively” little number but it’s definitely alive! The flavour is slightly bitter (lemony) with a yeasty aftertaste but really refreshing. It’s a lovely “alternative beer” and while it’s not something I’d stick to during a long night out, it’s a bevy I neck into at least once a week. Do try it next time you’re here.

Phil
Philip M.Davies

Snowmobile – what is it?

Kamila — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 15:31:27 +0000

The adventurous guy, particularly of the type that books his Krakow stag party during the low season, not only misses out on the crowds but also gets to try some of our winter activities. These do not include building snowmen and snowballing but they do include snowmobiling.

‘So what and why is a snow mobile?’ asks the smart stag.

A snowmobile is a vehicle designed to operate on snow and ice and also gives the rider an amazing rush! It runs freely on deep snow or frozen lakes or in forests – the one thing they don’t need is a road. So the merry stag need not worry too much about rules and regulations or speed traps!

The machines were originally designed as something like a go anywhere utility vehicle for the hard working men of the arctic, but today they are also presented as fun machines. A bit like a quad bike but with a load more zing! Nowadays they are even adapted for drag racing on grass or bitumen and even water. The light weight and powerful engines mean that some can out drag high performance cars in the 0 – 60 sprint and hit a top speed of 150mph.

Performance

Snowmobile performance has increased dramatically since their invention and especially in the last 15 years. The first vehicles had as little as 5bhp but in the 90s, the largest engines (600-650cc) developed around 150bhp. And today, with engine sizes of 1000cc and more, 180bhp is possible.

More power is theoretically possible, but impractical due to the lack of traction. Drivers use their body weight in much the same way as go-karters and are able to move across steep hillsides without sliding downwards. So the Krakow stag will have his hands full as he sets off on his jaunt into the Polish mountain wilderness.

Safety

These lovely and lively machines are incredible fun but can be a bit of a handful for the novice. But our Krakow stag party members are given full instruction, safety gear and a guide that you follow. Don’t try to overtake him – you might get lost!

Proper clothing is vital not only for comfort but for safety as well. Prepare properly with layered clothing – underwear, warm shirt, woolens and good jacket, trousers and boots. You lose 70% of body heat through your head so keep it well covered. Long Johns might contribute to a sweaty crutch, but sticky balls are better than no balls! We don’t want to have to write to a wife or girlfriend to explain why the man in her life has returned from his Krakow stag party with a gap in his trousers and a high-pitched voice!

As with all vehicles, remember that they are powerful tools for the sensible user but dangerous weapons when in the wrong hands. Do listen to the instructor and don’t take risks with your own safety or that of your passenger. And make sure that you arrive sober – there will be plenty of time to celebrate later. And celebrate you will at the end of a memorable hour in the Tatra mountains on fast and furious fun machines!

At last! A“Mediterranean” meal in Krakow

dawid — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 14:59:42 +0000

Last weekend we made a great discovery whilst celebrating my Polish wife’s birthday with a couple of medically orientated friends who recently offered me encouragement after I accidentally decapitated a bell pepper with my teeth.

The four of us descended on a Kazimierz brasserie and were pleasantly surprised by one of their main courses. It consisted of one large plate, amply covered by stuffed salmon, mussels, grilled sardines, crevettes, crayfish, butterfish fillets, grilled octopus, squid, prawns etc. It was designed for 2 people but managed to fill all of us to a comfortable level.

We whooshed this down with a few bottles of well-chilled vinho verde, the greenish young wine made from grapes harvested on the Portuguese banks of the river Duero. The whole thing was an al fresco delight and temperatures between May and September would normally be very warm during a visit by a Krakow stag group! The service was also fantastic and our empty glasses were refilled almost before they hit the table.

We started with grilled prawns and deep fried whitebait. The main dish was accompanied by boiled baby potatoes and rice and a salad, then followed by an assortment of chocolate desserts plus crème brulee. This was an amazing night out which cost about 20 GBP per person. My recommendation is absolutely clear: do try this restaurant!

My guess is that the whole main course might be enlarged for 4 people and then there would definitely be no room for starters. Maybe a baguette and some aioli. Nothing more is needed.

The menu also provides an extensive list of meat, poultry and vegetarian dishes which all deserve individual praise.

Its address is: La Brasserie, Ul. Gasowa 4, Krakow and it’s close to Ul. Starowislna and Pl Wolnica (5 minutes walk)

Hello Friends of Partykrakow

dawid — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 14:43:23 +0000

Her indoors and I occasionally get away from office matters and go out to eat. Over the coming months, I’m planning to share with our Krakow stag groups the knowledge that I’ve gained during 9 years here. These are the “secrets” that truly make life in this city wonderful and the advice can take our stag members away from the beaten track and into the lesser known areas.

I also love cooking and will, form time to time, be posting foolproof recipes with which to calm down wives and girlfriends when you have sinned!

Limonova, as its name suggests (Spanish: lime tree), is a Mexican joint with a difference. Here you can forget the rather plastic Taco Mexicano chain idea and come to grips with an honest attempt at spicy Latin cooking. Limonova is tastefully appointed and serves a very good variety of superb dishes in genuine Mexican style, both indoors and al fresco in the very pretty walled garden. The level of chili is decided by the diner when he orders.

Look at what we ate tonight. Our 2 friends opted for sweet corn soup whist Katy and I took in the tomato job. Both soups were fantastic but if you want to try something really unusual on your stag party in Krakow, please try the corn. It’s yellow, sweet and smooth and a real rarity.

Never one for half measures, I elected for the super spicy version, whist the other, wiser diners took the medium. Things were going

really well until I bit into a bell pepper towards the end of the course. This engendered a coughing fit and oral agony – it was comforting that two of our group were experienced GPs and there assurances as to my probable survival were very welcome!

For the next course, we divided into 2 factions – them and us. They took an aptly named “volcano” which is a pot of well-seasoned meat in a good sauce shared between them. We opted for lightly spiced grilled butterfish on a bed of rice. All with salads and attractively presented side dishes.

Desserts took the form of lime sorbet, crème brulee and chocolate mousse with chilli. The whole lot was washed down with too many bottles of chilled chardonnay.

The price? I don’t know since I didn’t pay, but I’d guess around 15 GBP per person. So there we are, gentlemen, an ideal place to dine for a stag party in Krakow. Please remember, however, that the place closes at 11pm and this is a rarity which need not worry our intrepid Krakow stag party gourmet.

The restaurant is to be found in Kazimierz on Bozega Ciale street.

A Walk in The Park

dawid — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 12:14:45 +0000

A lot of people are getting to know Krakow, largely due to people like you and companies like Party Krakow which take care of you and show you the delights of the city. But there is more, very much more, to explore and enjoy, just short distances away from the historic, former Polish capital.

People often remark that on a motorway journey from, say, Katowice to Krakow (about 60 miles) that Poland is a dull, flat part of the European Plain and

not worth a second glance. I reckon that a foreign visitor, strapped into his seat on the M4, destination Swansea, might make the same kind of remark about Britain!

That traveller would be blissfully unaware of the delights of rural Berkshire as he sees the industrial parts of such places as Maidenhead and Reading and would never be aware of the Kennet river and its sleepy small town secrets. He’d never guess at the interests of Wiltshire, with Stonehenge and traditional villages by the score as he’s swept along the M4 corridor. Passing towards Gloucestershire, he’d be oblivious to the Cotswolds and Forest of Dean. After crossing the Severn Bridge, he could never imagine the delights of the Wye Valley and Monmouthshire, yet these treasures are just a short drive away from the road he’s glued to. And so it is with Poland.

Poland has more than its fair share of brutal and nasty history and Krakow is one of the few Polish cities that survived the lunacy of her German neighbours.

Polanski’s “The Pianist” shows a vivid and entirely realistic portrait of the total destruction of Warsaw. The town was destroyed with typical teutonic efficiency, on a street by street basis, in pursuance of Hitler’s orders. The “Old Market Place” in Warsaw, dates back to the 1950s and is a faithful reconstruction based on photographs and local knowledge. Spielberg’s “Schindlers List” is another monumental film with an accurate depiction of what took place, but this time in Krakow, albeit with an unwelcome dose of sentimentality avoided by the more serious Polanski.

Sadly, and with extreme cynicism, the huge Soviet army, having formed an arc around the eastern side of the city of Warsaw, simply watched the wretched attempt at resistance without firing a single shot in support of their ally, Poland. The Russians were the victors in waiting who permitted this Nazi slaughter of the inhabitants of the capital, thus avoiding the effort of subduing those people themselves. The efforts of British and American forces were equally as bad, being confined to some half-hearted air-drops of supplies which landed among the grateful German forces. They were probably pleased at the windfall and dined well on rations intended for different mouths.

So why, our intrepid visitor might ask, has Poland been such a monumental focus for innumerable brutal invasions and the interminable introspection and atrophy of the Stalinist years? The primary answer lies in Poland’s centrality within Europe, what John Tremayne described as “The Mighty Continent” in his 1970s book of that name. Other reasons lie in the wonderful physical attributes of this country and the envy of surrounding states, some valuing the huge agricultural potential, others its cultural heritage. The one thing they had in common, however, was their insatiable lust for somebody else’s homeland.

Another unpalatable element, is that external powers, above all the Russians, Americans and British, have historically regarded Poland as no more than a challenged, sacrificial pawn in a loaded chess game. Sad, but very true!

So, on a lighter and less historical note, what are these amazing places that are hidden away from the motorway traveller? The first that you will hear about is the Ojcowski National Park. The traveller, following the main road between Olkusz and Krakow, might notice a rather long row of trees to his left. It looks like a long row of trees but this is the margin of something that hides one of the region’s greatest treasures. It’s about 9 miles from Krakow.

This is a kind of tree wall that hides a deep gorge and a stupendously beautiful and under- exploited valley. You are not allowed to drive there so you have to leave you cars at the rim of the valley and then stretch your legs. You face a downhill walk of about 1.5 miles surrounded by the biggest and wildest beech trees imaginable. The underlying rock stata is jurassic limestone, so the soft fascia rock has been riven into numerous mini-gorges that drain into the main river, a long way below.

The pedestrian road you walk along is of the old-fashioned cobbled variety and the observer will be in no doubt as to the effort that the builders put in. Each stone, and there must be a million of them, was laid individually, levelled and has survived to this day. The pavoirs that adorn UK supermarkets? I doubt their own longevity since they tend to be destroyed by the first hard frost that comes along!

This road opens on to vistas that are breathtaking – huge limestone pinnacles and cave-mouths perched above hundreds of feet of freefall! During the long summer months, they hide themselves under the leafy canopy, in autumn they appear somewhat shyly, but during a good, hard winter, they gape threateningly at anyone that passes by.

When you come to the valley bottom, you arrive in a different world. You can turn either left or right, but the first option is probably the best. This takes the walker to the castle at Ojcow – ancient and beautiful.

The valley is also the home of some interesting caves with, believe it or not, some quite unique species of bat! There are also some ancient caves where a persecuted member of the Polish royalty kept a low profile for 6 long, and doubtlessly boring, months. There are also some spectacular locations for speliologists!

I’ve written extensively about this natural marvel elsewhere and have no inclination to bore the few readers that I might have! So may I gently persuade you in the direction of the best hotel along that road? It is situated about 1500m away from the Park and is nationally famous for its hospitality and superb cuisine. You can find out much more about the Ojcowski National Park by following this link: www.zajazdkrystyna.com. There you will find some extremely detailed descriptions as to what the hiker can enjoy.

At the Zajazd Krysyna, you can find great pamphlets that show you all of the colour-coded routes that are recommended for the Krakow stag party hiker. You can also rent mountain bikes to save your feet. In any case, this hotel, with its superb hospitality and cuisine, is highly recommended. Party Krakow enjoys a special relationship with Zajazd Krystyna and we thoroughly recommend this hotel to all visitors to the Krakow region.

During the next few weeks, the description of the outskirts of Krakow will be amplified. Next week will follow a season by season account of walking in the Ojcowski region, then other treasures that normally escape the eye.

Survival menu after return from your Krakow stag party

dawid — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:15:04 +0000

Survival menu after return from your Krakow stag party

Hi Gents!

As a British guy, I know the horrors of the kitchen. Apparently, we are the world’s top people when it comes to sharing the household chores with our women. This is sad, but true.

I remember my childhood pretty clearly, and it was largely spent with comfortable times with my delightful mother, punctuated by the daily visits of my wonderful father. He would return home from work, with entirely justifiable pride in his abilities as a bread-winner and the single-handed builder of the house in which my brother, sister and I were raised. In fact, I made my first demands in that house, on March 8^th 1955! His requirements were quite simple, though mine were not. He wanted to arrive home to an affectionate kiss from each family member, then partake in a good dinner, watch some TV and then get some rest.

Rural Gloucestershire was a good place to be raised and is still my true “home”.

My own life doesn’t permit such luxuries. Katy and I both work long and hard hours. She is a pharmacist and has an enormous amount of patients. I’m a travel operator with an enormous amount of clients. So who gets the best deal? Not me! So I’ve become a cook.

So, to the kitchen and why do I post this? Simple: Post Krakow stag party survival! If you want to come home after a great stag weekend in Krakow and impress your partner with the cultural things you’ve learnt, then try this.

I found a unique restaurant with some unique food. Can you imagine olive soup? We were entranced by the idea, ordered it and loved it. It was so bloody good that I stopped on the way home to buy some olives. I was going to make my own version of olive soup.

Boys, I cracked it! It is simple to make and most of you can create this wonder.

You need:

3 big handfuls of olives, green or black, without stones

2 pints of stock. I’m vegetarian so I make my own from carrots, onion, parsley, mushrooms etc.

Large onion

Loads of garlic

1 pound of peeled, boiled potatoes

Good bread spread with good butter

Good oil for cooking

Method:

Make the stock. If you can’t be arsed to do it, buy a good pre-made stock.
Peel and dice about a pound of potatoes and boil till tender
Dice the peeled onion very finely
Crush a few cloves of garlic
Add the onions and garlic to a fairly large pan with preheated oil. Stir till soft, golden and clear. Do not burn
Throw in a can of very finely chopped tomatoes. Stir well and cook for 5 minutes
Add the olives, but chop them a bit first
Cover the pan and wait 5 minutes
Give the whole thing a stir

10. Prepare your blender

11. Put the whole lot into the blender or in batches and whiz till it gets to be very smooth

12. Add the potato mix

13. What is left looks a bit weird

14. Transfer to a different pan and add milk till you produce a creamy, dreamy dish for your impatient partner

15. Serve with garlic toast as warming starter

So there you have it. A great secret and a wonderful cure for a hangover. Also, something appreciated by deserted women after a great “boys’ own” stag party in Krakow. I hope you like the idea, the culinary side of home survival!

Policewoman (popup)

Kamila — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 10:59:18 +0000

A stag party without a stripper is like a wedding without wedding rings- you can’t do one without the other ! In Partykrakow we know something about it as not only do we specialize in stag weekends but we alo have a degree in natural medicine… and we can say with all responsibility that nothing cures post flight stress or morning hangover better than a bare young boob… well, maybe only 2 bare young boobs !

Our strippers are hand picked tallents- we interview them after our office hours… and they are well worth our time ! Slim and slavic, no flubby parts, just perfectly fit bodies… and they are pretty familiar with English (which works good if they are to act… and they DO act, e.g: a policewoman) !

Policewoman or a firebrigade woman

Highly recommended for Partybus airport pick up- enjoy your ride and blessed ignorance of the poor stag who unaware of anything gets examined by a sexi policewoman-she enters the bus, checks if your safety belts are fastened and then she asks the stag for his ID. As the stag looks very suspicious to her she asks him to stand up as she wants to do a “routine search for drugs”. When the poor sod stands up she cuffs his hands to a a dancing pole and starts searching for drugs…very slowly and tempting !

A firebrigade girl is also available- the partybus stops on the road and the guide informs you to be calm but stay ready to leave the vehicle… and then a smoke comes form on of the sofas ( don’t worry- it’s artificial from a hidden smoke maker !) and at the same time a sexy fire brige girls enters the bus. Being equipped with nothing but the whipped cream and ice cubes she rescues the poor stag by undressing him and spraying the cream all over his body… sounds tasty, doesn’t it ?

What’s included:

a hot stripper show for duration of 3 to 4 songs in all of the above scenarios- just pick and choose
Group size: no minimum group size
Duration: 3 to 4 songs
Availability: all year round
we need at least few days notice to arrange the girls so don’t leave it for your arrival day as it will be too late !
Morning Glory option with breakfast is available only if accommodation was booked through us- otherwise only the option with “bitchy hotel manager”

Pricing:

just a stripper (no scenario, no fancy clothes) - 120 GBP per dancer, 200 GBP for 2 dancers and 280 GBP for 3 dancers (so the third girl and every additional above it comes at 80 GBP only)
“Morning Glory” - 160 GBP per disguised dancer or 290 GBP for 2 disguised dancers doing a lesbian show
Lesby show - 250 GBP if taken on its own. If added as an extention to activity which already includes a stripper then only 130 GBP extra
Policewoman or firebrigade girl- 160 GBP for 1 girl show or 290 GBP for 2 disguised dancers doing a lesbian show

Lesbian Show (popup)

Kamila — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 10:56:02 +0000

A stag party without a stripper is like a wedding without wedding rings- you can’t do one without the other ! In Partykrakow we know something about it as not only do we specialize in stag weekends but we alo have a degree in natural medicine… and we can say with all responsibility that nothing cures post flight stress or morning hangover better than a bare young boob… well, maybe only 2 bare young boobs !

Our strippers are hand picked tallents- we interview them after our office hours… and they are well worth our time ! Slim and slavic, no flubby parts, just perfectly fit bodies… and they are pretty familiar with English (which works good if they are to act… and they DO act, e.g: a policewoman) !

Lesbian Show aka Girls Gone Wild by Partykrakow

Not much too add – 2 gorgeous girls playing with each other for a duration of 3 to 4 songs. They can be added pretty much anywhere- to a Morning Glory show to make the stag sweat from desire twice as much ! To Hugh Hefner’s party to double your plesure or to the Partybus airport pick up / city cruise to make your ride twice as memorable as normally !

What’s included:

a hot stripper show for duration of 3 to 4 songs in all of the above scenarios- just pick and choose
Group size: no minimum group size
Duration: 3 to 4 songs
Availability: all year round
we need at least few days notice to arrange the girls so don’t leave it for your arrival day as it will be too late !
Morning Glory option with breakfast is available only if accommodation was booked through us- otherwise only the option with “bitchy hotel manager”

Pricing:

just a stripper (no scenario, no fancy clothes) – 120 GBP per dancer, 200 GBP for 2 dancers and 280 GBP for 3 dancers (so the third girl and every additional above it comes at 80 GBP only)
“Morning Glory” - 160 GBP per disguised dancer or 290 GBP for 2 disguised dancers doing a lesbian show
Lesby show - 250 GBP if taken on its own. If added as an extention to activity which already includes a stripper then only 130 GBP extra
Policewoman or firebrigade girl- 160 GBP for 1 girl show or 290 GBP for 2 disguised dancers doing a lesbian show

Morning Glory (popup)

Kamila — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 10:54:29 +0000

A stag party without a stripper is like a wedding without wedding rings- you can’t do one without the other ! In Partykrakow we know something about it as not only do we specialize in stag weekends but we alo have a degree in natural medicine… and we can say with all responsibility that nothing cures post flight stress or morning hangover better than a bare young boob… well, maybe only 2 bare young boobs !

Our strippers are hand picked tallents- we interview them after our office hours… and they are well worth our time ! Slim and slavic, no flubby parts, just perfectly fit bodies… and they are pretty familiar with English (which works good if they are to act… and they DO act, e.g: a policewoman) !

Morning Glory

Why not? Stag parties are hard work, especially on the stag who needs a lot of rest to keep him up for it. So let?s wake up our stag in a very special way that gets his pulse moving and gets him ready for the next ordeal.

what it looks like ? – a girl disguised as a sexi room service delivers a scrumptous breakfast to the stag’s room early in the morning when the stag is still not properly waken up. When he opens the door she says informs the stag that his friends have ordered him a breakfast to bed… and once she puts a trail with breakfast on the bed she ads that she is a dessert ! Also the girl can be disguised in a uniform acting as a severe & cold hotel manager who came to warn the stag that it was too loud… and as a penalty he will have to watch her get naked but he will not be able to touch !

What’s included:

a hot stripper show for duration of 3 to 4 songs in all of the above scenarios – just pick and choose
Group size: no minimum group size
Duration: 3 to 4 songs
Availability: all year round
we need at least few days notice to arrange the girls so don’t leave it for your arrival day as it will be too late !
Morning Glory option with breakfast is available only if accommodation was booked through us- otherwise only the option with “bitchy hotel manager”

Pricing:

just a stripper (no scenario, no fancy clothes) - 120 GBP per dancer, 200 GBP for 2 dancers and 280 GBP for 3 dancers (so the third girl and every additional above it comes at 80 GBP only)
“Morning Glory” - 160 GBP per disguised dancer or 290 GBP for 2 disguised dancers doing a lesbian show
Lesby show - 250 GBP if taken on its own. If added as an extention to activity which already includes a stripper then only 130 GBP extra
Policewoman or firebrigade girl – 160 GBP for 1 girl show or 290 GBP for 2 disguised dancers doing a lesbian show