A  Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years  earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day...

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2009

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!

]]> http://www.partykrakow.com/kracking-blog/348.html/feed 0 http://www.partykrakow.com/kracking-blog/stag-party-dining-in-traditional-krakow-style.html http://www.partykrakow.com/kracking-blog/stag-party-dining-in-traditional-krakow-style.html#comments Tue, 27 Apr 2010 11:39:19 +0000 dawid http://www.partykrakow.com/kracking-blog/?p=339

As my devoted readers will know, I’m a lover of great food and international cuisine. As sales director of Party Krakow, I have to answer loads of questions about restaurants and good tucker. I’m frequently required to inform our Krakow stags about what to eat and where but, not unsurprisingly, the popularity of Poland has provoked an interest in its national cuisine.

So what is Polish food all about?  That’s a good question and I hope you can learn a bit from these brief notes.

Most good Polish restaurants lack the typical glamour of competitors offering the joys of French, Italian, Corsican and other menus. But you can be sure of very prompt service and a very clean environment and, since this is reflected in the prices you pay, most of you will never notice the difference and be very glad you chose Polish.

There is one rule in Poland that is never disobeyed: “A guest in my house is like God in my house.” During even the leanest years of Stalinist domination, the Poles observed their feasts and the cooks always emerged from their ordeals with distinction. This same culture continues and pervades our local Polish restaurants and guests go home feeling well fed for a fraction of the price that they would have paid for other cuisines.

It seems a quite simple deal:

• Vast amounts of food will be served
• Every home prepared dish is as good as your Grandmother’s
• Soup is the starter to every meal (sometimes even breakfast)
• Main dishes are enormous
• Beer is the main drink
• Service is good but simple
• You will want to return

So what kind of food can our horny stag expect to eat? There is really too much to describe but good party organizers will point you in this direction:

Stag Dinner in Traditional Krakow Style:

Typical soups

Cream of onion with croutons

Cream of garlic

Cream of tomato

Zurek

Barstch

Typical Main Dishes, usually served with an optional side salad

Veal cutlet with vegetables

Fried chicken

Pork in many styles (highly recommended is galonka*)

Sauteed trout

Pike

Salmon

Desserts

Desserts are quite simple and if you require sweetening up after the first two courses, choose something like this:

Ice cream

Cheese cake

Crepes with various fillings

So. Our hungry stag groups can be assured of very good food in Krakow and the local cuisine is very well worth trying. As always, however, the recommendations of a reputable, locally based stag party operator are useful when it comes to getting the very best.

For the more adventurous stag or his partner, here is a recipe got galonka. This is roasted ham hock in beer marinade and once tasted, never forgotten!

*Galonka

Ingredients

1 pork knuckle (hock) per person

Bay leaves

10 juniper berries

10 black pepper corns

Curry powder (optional)

Cooking oil

Beer (I use Guiness in UK but any beer is OK – the sugar content adds colour and the beer adds flavour)

2 medium onions quartered

3-4 garlic cloves

2 sliced carrots

Method

Wash and dry the knuckles.

In a large stock pan, place the knuckles and cover with boiling water to a depth of 2 inches. Return to the boil and skim off as much scum as possible

When the stock is reasonably clear, add the bay leaves, pepper corns, juniper berries, and the vegetables with some curry powder. This is optional and is only there to provide a background flavour. So maybe one teaspoon of strong curry or one tablespoon of milder types, but not more

Cover the pan and simmer gently for 1.5 – 2 hours. Have the occasional look and add more water if necessary

After the cooking time, remove the knuckles from the stock and rinse them off. The stock can certainly be used in soups but need to be left until cold and then thoroughly skimmed of the lard that will form on top

The lard can also be used – your Granny called it dripping but in these days of cholesterol consciousness – you may wish to discard it. Please don’t do the same with the stock – once skimmed it will be a marvelous base for soups, stews and casseroles

Heat the oven to 350F

Place the knuckles in a roasting pan. I normally use a rack over a half can of Guiness. Cover will foil and pop them into the hot oven for about 90 minutes or until tender. Every 15 minutes or so, spoon a little more Guiness over the meat. 15 minutes before the cooking time is finished, add a bit more beer and then return to the oven uncovered. This crisps up the outside layer of fat, adds flavour and makes the dish look great. Because of the thick layer of fat (which you do not eat!!) it‘s difficult to overcook this dish

Serve on individual plates with bread, mustard and horseradish

Each person has to slice through about half and inch of fat that has kept the interior meat in fantastic condition during the cooking process

Eat well!

As our readers will know by now, there are literally hundreds of good places for the Krakow stag to fortify his body. I’ve droned on endlessly about the Polish, Italian, French and other culinary delights available here, but there is one true theme in stag fortification that is totally universal: Chicken ‘n’ chips!

The Hooters restaurant justifies its central position in our great city for a variety of reasons. And these are:

• Brilliantly cooked and succulent cuts of chicken and other meats with good sauces
• Lashings of non-greasy chips
• Flat screen TV’s for sports events
• The best looking waitresses in the world

Let’s examine those ingredients for a good Krakow stag meal one by one:

• You’ve all eaten fried chicken with chips but this restaurant actually turns it out as a healthy meal and is as different from your average MacDonald’s as chalk is from cheese. You eat a lot of tucker but never leave with the feeling that you’d rather have gone home for a fry up or a sausage sandwich.
• These chips are really very good. Well peeled, elegantly trimmed into appealing shapes, then deep fried in fresh oil, the potato chip becomes a delicacy that Jamie Oliver would recommend. I think I’m taking the rip at this point !!
• Television might appeal when you are eating, especially when there is the prospect of some great international sport to watch. It also saves the Krakow stag party organizer from having to watch his mates gently slide under the table. This is a great venue for lads who need to top up on beer and other calories while keeping up with vital sports news!
• The waitresses? No bull crap here! Any of these girls could successfully replace the ladies we fantasize over in Playboy and they are polite, educated and very pleasant. To be stunningly beautiful in the UK is a rarity. Here in Poland it’s commonplace, so a good looking girl in Krakow has to have a genuine personality in order to succeed in her life. These girls have it all and are unconscious of that fact, so they really add something special to the nice food they serve.

As usual, in this great party city, the beers are the best and the cheapest in Europe. The hospitality is great and the stag party in Krakow is well recommended to visit this restaurant. Great value!

Phil

Party Krakow

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I worked as a teacher in the field of English in medicine. During those challenging but enjoyable years, I met some wonderful Polish doctors, surgeons and nurses, most of whom remain close personal friends. Their collective humanity and humour are things I will always treasure and remain an inspiration in my daily life.

Inevitably, along with the daily disappointments and sometime tragedies, some truly great anecdotes emerged from contact with these wonderful people. I managed to supplement these during my material research and I’d like to share the best of these with our Party Krakow readers.

The ones that are definitely true will be marked “Definitely True”. Those that are down to simple good humour and imagination will be left to you to judge.

This one is definitely true and comes from a report in a Los Angeles newspaper that I came across some years ago:

From an article in the Los Angeles Times :-

“In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake, but I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil”, Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Sever Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew “Kiki” Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.  ”I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,” he explained.  ”As usual, Kiki shouted “Armageddon” my cue that he’d had enough.  I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.”

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next.  ”The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski’s hair and severely burning his face.  It also set fire to the gerbil’s fur and whiskers, which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestinal tract, propelling the gerbil out like a cannonball.
Tomaszewski suffered second-degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

P.S- have a look at the video at the top- this one comes from a radio show (John Boy and Billy) and is read by Robert D Raford who loses it in the end while trying to read the story

The Brewery Dinner – sumptuous food and scrumptious beer

Krakow has many special secrets but one of them that the dedicated beer-coiffing, party- loving stag should learn about is the microbrewery. This is a genuine beer producer situated about a minute’s walk from the very centre of town so it’s no big deal to stagger from here to any of the other fantastic stag venues in Krakow.

You enter the establishment by a wide stairs from the street and move into a large, open hall where the drinker enjoys the fresh brews for which the brewery is famous. But the diner turns left and goes to the rather more exclusive rooms reserved for those who want to eat well whilst having tremendous fun with the beers.

The brewery dinner is the perfect way to start a Polish stag night with a menu that is as tasty as it looks. And it looks gorgeous! The restaurant is stylish, the service excellent and portions ample.

The smart Krakow stag (as long as he has no objection to pigs!) should enjoy the galonka. ‘What the ****,’ I hear you ask, ‘is “galonka”?’ Galonka is a mini joint of pork that comes from the “wrist” or “ankle” of the animal. Before being individually roasted, it is marinated in dark beer and herbs, then skewered on a mini spit and served at the table with sauces, bread and salad. Each person gets his own version the size of a small chicken!

The surrounding fat is a deep golden brown in colour and almost an inch thick. The hungry stag simply peels this aside and finds tender, dark meat in large quantities inside. It is simply stunning food and is the best way to prepare the body for a long, long stag night.

But what about the beer? This is served in 5 litre containers called “giraffes”. The beers of choice, whether that is light, medium or dark, are served by the diners from a tap at the base. Sounds whacky, works a treat!

And the beer itself is unique. Full of flavour, freshly tapped and easy to drink since its sparkle is natural and not the result of artificially introduced bubbles! It’s also bloody strong!

The menu is pretty extensive, so those stags that have issues with meat in general or pork in particular, still do very nicely as well.

So, gentlemen members of stag parties in Krakow, there you have one of the best ways to eat and drink in Polish style before hitting the town!

Last weekend we made a great discovery whilst celebrating my Polish wife’s birthday with a couple of medically orientated friends who recently offered me encouragement after I accidentally decapitated a bell pepper with my teeth.

The four of us descended on a Kazimierz brasserie and were pleasantly surprised by one of their main courses. It consisted of one large plate, amply covered by stuffed salmon, mussels, grilled sardines, crevettes, crayfish, butterfish fillets, grilled octopus, squid, prawns etc. It was designed for 2 people but managed to fill all of us to a comfortable level.

We whooshed this down with a few bottles of well-chilled vinho verde, the greenish young wine made from grapes harvested on the Portuguese banks of the river Duero. The whole thing was an al fresco delight and temperatures between May and September would normally be very warm during a visit by a Krakow stag group! The service was also fantastic and our empty glasses were refilled almost before they hit the table.

We started with grilled prawns and deep fried whitebait. The main dish was accompanied by boiled baby potatoes and rice and a salad, then followed by an assortment of chocolate desserts plus crème brulee. This was an amazing night out which cost about 20 GBP per person. My recommendation is absolutely clear: do try this restaurant!

My guess is that the whole main course might be enlarged for 4 people and then there would definitely be no room for starters. Maybe a baguette and some aioli. Nothing more is needed.

The menu also provides an extensive list of meat, poultry and vegetarian dishes which all deserve individual praise.

Its address is: La Brasserie, Ul. Gasowa 4, Krakow and it’s close to Ul. Starowislna and Pl Wolnica (5 minutes walk)

Her indoors and I occasionally get away from office matters and go out to eat. Over the coming months, I’m planning to share with our Krakow stag groups the knowledge that I’ve gained during 9 years here. These are the “secrets” that truly make life in this city wonderful and the advice can take our stag members away from the beaten track and into the lesser known areas.

I also love cooking and will, form time to time, be posting foolproof recipes with which to calm down wives and girlfriends when you have sinned!

Limonova, as its name suggests (Spanish: lime tree), is a Mexican joint with a difference. Here you can forget the rather plastic Taco Mexicano chain idea and come to grips with an honest attempt at spicy Latin cooking. Limonova is tastefully appointed and serves a very good variety of superb dishes in genuine Mexican style, both indoors and al fresco in the very pretty walled garden. The level of chili is decided by the diner when he orders.

Look at what we ate tonight. Our 2 friends opted for sweet corn soup whist Katy and I took in the tomato job. Both soups were fantastic but if you want to try something really unusual on your stag party in Krakow, please try the corn. It’s yellow, sweet and smooth and a real rarity.

Never one for half measures, I elected for the super spicy version, whist the other, wiser diners took the medium. Things were going

really well until I bit into a bell pepper towards the end of the course. This engendered a coughing fit and oral agony – it was comforting that two of our group were experienced GPs and there assurances as to my probable survival were very welcome!

For the next course, we divided into 2 factions – them and us. They took an aptly named “volcano” which is a pot of well-seasoned meat in a good sauce shared between them. We opted for lightly spiced grilled butterfish on a bed of rice. All with salads and attractively presented side dishes.

Desserts took the form of lime sorbet, crème brulee and chocolate mousse with chilli. The whole lot was washed down with too many bottles of chilled chardonnay.

The price? I don’t know since I didn’t pay, but I’d guess around 15 GBP per person. So there we are, gentlemen, an ideal place to dine for a stag party in Krakow. Please remember, however, that the place closes at 11pm and this is a rarity which need not worry our intrepid Krakow stag party gourmet.

The restaurant is to be found in Kazimierz on Bozega Ciale street.

]]> http://www.partykrakow.com/kracking-blog/hello-friends-of-partykrakow.html/feed 0 http://www.partykrakow.com/kracking-blog/great-breakfast-for-the-lady-of-the-stag-who-has-just-visited-poland.html http://www.partykrakow.com/kracking-blog/great-breakfast-for-the-lady-of-the-stag-who-has-just-visited-poland.html#comments Tue, 19 Jan 2010 12:11:36 +0000 dawid http://www.partykrakow.com/kracking-blog/?p=290

So, my readers may have noticed that the lads from Party Krakow actually aspire to a good and cultured life. Whilst it’s true that Dawid has never nose-dived into a Handel concerto (Philip does so on a weekly basis), both lads have links with culture. Phil likes classical music, theatre, cinema, playing the piano, reading and writing, walking in the countryside, literature, sculpture, cooking and fine wines, Dave likes girls, beer and kick boxing.

The partners of the best stag outfit in the world have worked extremely hard, not only to produce Krakow’s best stag parties, but also to guarantee survival during the marriages of our clients.

Here are some post-stag party survival tips.

When our Krakow stag boy gets back to Britain, two options will await him:

• Cold shoulder and chops (to be avoided) OR
• A morning blow job followed by melt in the mouth, delicate pastries filled with a variety of succulent fruits and other ingredients. (highly recommended)

Either way, the honourable stag has to resist these delights, get of his arse into gear and get to work. Here is what he has to do:

Dealing with the first option is the easiest:

Cold shoulder and chops: The First Trick

1. Get out of bed and fart like hell
2. Don’t apologise
3. Turn on the stereo and put on the Rolling Stones “It’s all over now”
4. Make yourself tea or coffee and drink it
5. Leave without saying “goodbye” having smoked a Marlboro in the sitting room with the windows closed

The Second Trick

The second is a bit more interesting:

1. Leave the bed without farting having gently declined the offer of a blow job. Go to the stereo and put on something bright, light and gentle – Mozart’s flute and harp concerto is ideal. Go to the bathroom and fart like hell, but only after the delicate sounds of Mozart are there to disguise your anal rumblings. Use air-freshener. (Lots)
2. Go to the kitchen and boil water (use the kettle)
3. Beat some eggs till smooth and add a little fresh cream, ground black pepper and salt. Continue to beat till frothy.
4. Put some bread in the toaster. Bread is normally white or brown in colour and is covered by a crust. It’s usually found in the “bread bin”. You may have to slice it first, using a knife.
5. Take some butter from the fridge and add it to a medium saucepan and set it on low heat. Keep the butter out because you will need it for the toast.
6. Dive into the fridge and bring out the smoked salmon you bought on the way home the night before. If you didn’t buy it the night before, you are fucked! Go back to the first trick.
7. When the toast is cooked (it jumps up in front of you when it is), remove it from the machine taking care not to burn your foreskin or fingers. Spread the toast with some butter.
8. Remove the salmon from its wrapper and carefully divide it into the slices that are there in front of you. Place them on 2 serving plates, having first covered them liberally with beluga caviar before rolling them up. If you’ve forgotten the caviar, you’re fucked! Go back to the first trick.
9. Add the egg mixture to the pan with the hot butter and whisk it till cooked.
10. Remove the bottle of Dom Perignon  that you hid in the bottom of the fridge the previous night, quietly de-cork it and place the bottle, with two chilled glasses on a serving tray. Place the juice of the fresh Seville oranges you’ve just squeezed into a chilled crystal jug. If you’ve forgotten the Dom Perignon, you’re fucked. Go back to the first trick.
11. Place everything on the plates on large serving trays. Go back to the bedroom and deliver the breakfast to the sleepy person that you shared the bed with the night before. Offer her the breakfast. If you spill anything from the tray, you’re fucked. Go back to the first trick.
12. Serve this with either tea or coffee, depending on preferences.
13. If this is not the usual woman you wake up with, you’re fucked. Go back to the first trick
14. If your partner is not satisfied, you are not completely fucked. Get the hell out of there and then follow this link: www.partykrakow.com and find the best way to get back to Krakow.

A Hard Life in Italy

Three Italian women were labouring in a field on a hot and sultry day in August. The eldest straightens up, stretches and massages the small of her back.

‘You know’ she says, ‘I wish I was Sofia Loren!’

The other two ask hey ‘Hey why you want to be Sofia Loren?’ in a strong Italian accent.

‘Because’, she answers, ‘she has a beautiful face, a lovely body, great tits and loads of boyfriends and money. An’ she no have to work in no sweaty field in the middle of the summer!’

The other slightly older woman answers ‘Yeah! I know watta you mean. But I’d prefer to be Gina Lollabrigida cos she has an bigger pair of bazookas and even more money. An’ she no have to work in no sweaty field in the middle of the summer!’

The youngest then declares ‘An’ I wanna be Sarah Pippelini!’

The other two enquire ‘An’ who the hell is Sarah Pippelini?’

By way of answer, the young girl holds up a copy of the Sun, the headline reading:

SAHARA PIPELINE LAID BY 2000 WORKERS IN 3 WEEKS

*

Girls’ night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls’ nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her arse that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, We’ll never forget you!

*

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and other valuables and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this bloke’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to give you one, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates and hurts you. This guy is probably very dangerous and might kill us if gets angry. Be strong, sweetheart. I love you.”

His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you had a nice bum, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong dear – I love you too!!”

*

Birds and Bees

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mummy, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mummy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mummy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, sweetheart.” The child nods knowingly.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.”

*

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

‘Just where the hell do you think you’re going?’, asked the man.

‘I’m going to London’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get 200 pounds a night for what I give you for free!

‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.

The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on  400 quid a year!’

There was a young man from St Trinity’s

Who shattered his sister’s virginity.

He buggered his brother,

Had twins by his mother

And got a first class in divinity.

There was an old man called McCloud

Whose farts were extremely loud.

When he let off a big ‘un,

Dogs were deafened in Wigan

And horses were frightened in Stroud.

There was a young man from Tashkent

Whose dick was exceedingly bent.

To save himself trouble,

He shoved it in double

But instead of coming, he went!

*

A blonde visits her doctor where her worst fears are confirmed:

<Yes, Miss Jones. You are definitely pregnant.>

<OK, Dr. But is it mine?>

*

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.

Madonna

* Stuttering Problem A guy walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Ddddoc, I’ve bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III’m tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???”

The doctor says, “Well, I’ll have to examine you first before I can answer you.”

The doctor examines him and says, “Well, I’m pretty sure that I know what the problem is.”

The guy asks, “wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?”

The doctor says, “It’s your penis. It’s about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords.”

The guy asks, “Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?”

The doctor replies, “Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering.”

The guy says, “Dddo it!”

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor’s office and says, “Thanks Doctor. You’ve solved my problem and I don’t stutter any more but I’ve only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn’t enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don’t care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!”

The doc replies, “Nnnnope. A ddddeal’s a ddddeal!”

*

Need Samples An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.”

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: “WHAT?”

“What did he say? What’s he want?”

His wife yells back, “He needs your underwear.”

*

Young Love..
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside admiring the
beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple
making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to
himself, “Ah, young love… ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers…
C’est magnifique!” and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, “Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman -

she is dead!” and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to

tell Jean, the police chief.
He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, “Jean,
Jean, zere is zis man, zis woman… naked in farmer Gaston’s field
making love.”
The police chief smiled and said; “Come, come, Henri you are not so
old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,
l’amour! Zis is okay.”
“Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!”
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station,
jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri’s
story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.
“Pierre, Pierre… this is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field; zere is a
young couple naked ‘aving sex.”
To which Pierre replied,”Jean, I am a man of science. You must
remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, l’amour! Zis is very
natural.”
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, “NON, you do not
understand; ze woman, she is dead!”
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, “Mon dieu!” grabbed his black medicine
bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped
in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to
Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went
inside, smiled patiently, and said, “Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze
woman, she is not dead; she is British.”

A lot of people are getting to know Krakow, largely due to people like you and companies like Party Krakow which take care of you and show you the delights of the city. But there is more, very much more, to explore and enjoy, just short distances away from the historic, former Polish capital.

People often remark that on a motorway journey from, say, Katowice to Krakow (about 60 miles) that Poland is a dull, flat part of the European Plain and

not worth a second glance. I reckon that a foreign visitor, strapped into his seat on the M4, destination Swansea, might make the same kind of remark about Britain!

That traveller would be blissfully unaware of the delights of rural Berkshire as he sees the industrial parts of such places as Maidenhead and Reading and would never be aware of the Kennet river and its sleepy small town secrets. He’d never guess at the interests of Wiltshire, with Stonehenge and traditional villages by the score as he’s swept along the M4 corridor. Passing towards Gloucestershire, he’d be oblivious to the Cotswolds and Forest of Dean. After crossing the Severn Bridge, he could never imagine the delights of the Wye Valley and Monmouthshire, yet these treasures are just a short drive away from the road he’s glued to. And so it is with Poland.

Poland has more than its fair share of brutal and nasty history and Krakow is one of the few Polish cities that survived the lunacy of her German neighbours.

Polanski’s “The Pianist” shows a vivid and entirely realistic portrait of the total destruction of Warsaw. The town was destroyed with typical teutonic efficiency, on a street by street basis, in pursuance of Hitler’s orders. The “Old Market Place” in Warsaw, dates back to the 1950s and is a faithful reconstruction based on photographs and local knowledge. Spielberg’s “Schindlers List” is another monumental film with an accurate depiction of what took place, but this time in Krakow, albeit with an unwelcome dose of sentimentality avoided by the more serious Polanski.

Sadly, and with extreme cynicism, the huge Soviet army, having formed an arc around the eastern side of the city of Warsaw, simply watched the wretched attempt at resistance without firing a single shot in support of their ally, Poland. The Russians were the victors in waiting who permitted this Nazi slaughter of the inhabitants of the capital, thus avoiding the effort of subduing those people themselves. The efforts of British and American forces were equally as bad, being confined to some half-hearted air-drops of supplies which landed among the grateful German forces. They were probably pleased at the windfall and dined well on rations intended for different mouths.

So why, our intrepid visitor might ask, has Poland been such a monumental focus for innumerable brutal invasions and the interminable introspection and atrophy of the Stalinist years? The primary answer lies in Poland’s centrality within Europe, what John Tremayne described as “The Mighty Continent” in his 1970s book of that name. Other reasons lie in the wonderful physical attributes of this country and the envy of surrounding states, some valuing the huge agricultural potential, others its cultural heritage. The one thing they had in common, however, was their insatiable lust for somebody else’s homeland.

Another  unpalatable element, is that external powers, above all the Russians, Americans and British, have historically regarded Poland as no more than a challenged, sacrificial pawn in a loaded chess game. Sad, but very true!

So, on a lighter and less historical note, what are these amazing places that are hidden away from the motorway traveller? The first that you will hear about is the Ojcowski National Park. The traveller, following the main road between Olkusz and Krakow, might notice a rather long row of trees to his left. It looks like a long row of trees but this is the margin of something that hides one of the region’s greatest treasures. It’s about 9 miles from Krakow.

This is a kind of tree wall that hides a deep gorge and a stupendously beautiful and under- exploited valley. You are not allowed to drive there so you have to leave you cars at the rim of the valley and then stretch your legs. You face a downhill walk of about 1.5 miles surrounded by the biggest and wildest beech trees imaginable. The underlying rock stata is jurassic limestone, so the soft fascia rock has been riven into numerous mini-gorges that drain into the main river, a long way below.

The pedestrian road you walk along is of the old-fashioned cobbled variety and the observer will be in no doubt as to the effort that the builders put in. Each stone, and there must be a million of them, was laid individually, levelled and has survived to this day. The pavoirs that adorn UK supermarkets? I doubt their own longevity since they tend to be destroyed by the first hard frost that comes along!

This road opens on to vistas that are breathtaking – huge limestone pinnacles and cave-mouths perched above hundreds of feet of freefall! During the long summer months, they hide themselves under the leafy canopy, in autumn they appear somewhat shyly, but during a good, hard winter, they gape threateningly at anyone that passes by.

When you come to the valley bottom, you arrive in a different world. You can turn either left or right, but the first option is probably the best. This takes the walker to the castle at Ojcow – ancient and beautiful.

The valley is also the home of some interesting caves with, believe it or not, some quite unique species of bat! There are also some ancient caves where a persecuted member of the Polish royalty kept a low profile for 6 long, and doubtlessly boring, months. There are also some spectacular locations for speliologists!

I’ve written extensively about this natural marvel elsewhere and have no inclination to bore the few readers that I might have! So may I gently persuade you in the direction of the best hotel along that road?  It is situated about 1500m away from the Park and is nationally famous for its hospitality and superb cuisine. You can find out much more about the Ojcowski National Park by following this link: www.zajazdkrystyna.com. There you will find some extremely detailed descriptions as to what the hiker can enjoy.

At the Zajazd Krysyna, you can find great pamphlets that show you all of the colour-coded routes that are recommended for the Krakow stag party hiker. You can also rent mountain bikes to save your feet. In any case, this hotel, with its superb hospitality and cuisine, is highly recommended. Party Krakow enjoys a special relationship with Zajazd Krystyna and we thoroughly recommend this hotel to all visitors to the Krakow region.

During the next few weeks, the description of the outskirts of Krakow will be amplified. Next week will follow a season by season account of walking in the Ojcowski region, then other treasures that normally escape the eye.

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