jokes..

A Hard Life in Italy

Three Italian women were labouring in a field on a hot and sultry day in August. The eldest straightens up, stretches and massages the small of her back.

‘You know’ she says, ‘I wish I was Sofia Loren!’

The other two ask hey ‘Hey why you want to be Sofia Loren?’ in a strong Italian accent.

‘Because’, she answers, ‘she has a beautiful face, a lovely body, great tits and loads of boyfriends and money. An’ she no have to work in no sweaty field in the middle of the summer!’

The other slightly older woman answers ‘Yeah! I know watta you mean. But I’d prefer to be Gina Lollabrigida cos she has an bigger pair of bazookas and even more money. An’ she no have to work in no sweaty field in the middle of the summer!’

The youngest then declares ‘An’ I wanna be Sarah Pippelini!’

The other two enquire ‘An’ who the hell is Sarah Pippelini?’

By way of answer, the young girl holds up a copy of the Sun, the headline reading:

SAHARA PIPELINE LAID BY 2000 WORKERS IN 3 WEEKS

*

Girls’ night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls’ nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her arse that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, We’ll never forget you!

*

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and other valuables and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this bloke’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to give you one, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates and hurts you. This guy is probably very dangerous and might kill us if gets angry. Be strong, sweetheart. I love you.”

His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you had a nice bum, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong dear – I love you too!!”

*

Birds and Bees

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mummy, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mummy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mummy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, sweetheart.” The child nods knowingly.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.”

*

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

‘Just where the hell do you think you’re going?’, asked the man.

‘I’m going to London’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get 200 pounds a night for what I give you for free!

‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.

The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on  400 quid a year!’

There was a young man from St Trinity’s

Who shattered his sister’s virginity.

He buggered his brother,

Had twins by his mother

And got a first class in divinity.

There was an old man called McCloud

Whose farts were extremely loud.

When he let off a big ‘un,

Dogs were deafened in Wigan

And horses were frightened in Stroud.

There was a young man from Tashkent

Whose dick was exceedingly bent.

To save himself trouble,

He shoved it in double

But instead of coming, he went!

*

A blonde visits her doctor where her worst fears are confirmed:

<Yes, Miss Jones. You are definitely pregnant.>

<OK, Dr. But is it mine?>

*

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.

Madonna

* Stuttering Problem A guy walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Ddddoc, I’ve bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III’m tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???”

The doctor says, “Well, I’ll have to examine you first before I can answer you.”

The doctor examines him and says, “Well, I’m pretty sure that I know what the problem is.”

The guy asks, “wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?”

The doctor says, “It’s your penis. It’s about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords.”

The guy asks, “Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?”

The doctor replies, “Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering.”

The guy says, “Dddo it!”

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor’s office and says, “Thanks Doctor. You’ve solved my problem and I don’t stutter any more but I’ve only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn’t enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don’t care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!”

The doc replies, “Nnnnope. A ddddeal’s a ddddeal!”

*

Need Samples An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.”

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: “WHAT?”

“What did he say? What’s he want?”

His wife yells back, “He needs your underwear.”

*

Young Love..
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside admiring the
beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple
making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to
himself, “Ah, young love… ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers…
C’est magnifique!” and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, “Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman -

she is dead!” and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to

tell Jean, the police chief.
He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, “Jean,
Jean, zere is zis man, zis woman… naked in farmer Gaston’s field
making love.”
The police chief smiled and said; “Come, come, Henri you are not so
old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,
l’amour! Zis is okay.”
“Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!”
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station,
jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri’s
story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.
“Pierre, Pierre… this is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field; zere is a
young couple naked ‘aving sex.”
To which Pierre replied,”Jean, I am a man of science. You must
remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, l’amour! Zis is very
natural.”
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, “NON, you do not
understand; ze woman, she is dead!”
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, “Mon dieu!” grabbed his black medicine
bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped
in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to
Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went
inside, smiled patiently, and said, “Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze
woman, she is not dead; she is British.”