A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I worked as a teacher in the field of English in medicine. During those challenging but enjoyable years, I met some wonderful Polish doctors, surgeons and nurses, most of whom remain close personal friends. Their collective humanity and humour are things I will always treasure and remain an inspiration in my daily life.

Inevitably, along with the daily disappointments and sometime tragedies, some truly great anecdotes emerged from contact with these wonderful people. I managed to supplement these during my material research and I’d like to share the best of these with our Party Krakow readers.

The ones that are definitely true will be marked “Definitely True”. Those that are down to simple good humour and imagination will be left to you to judge.

This one is definitely true and comes from a report in a Los Angeles newspaper that I came across some years ago:

From an article in the Los Angeles Times :-

“In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake, but I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil”, Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Sever Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew “Kiki” Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.  ”I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,” he explained.  ”As usual, Kiki shouted “Armageddon” my cue that he’d had enough.  I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.”

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next.  ”The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski’s hair and severely burning his face.  It also set fire to the gerbil’s fur and whiskers, which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestinal tract, propelling the gerbil out like a cannonball.
Tomaszewski suffered second-degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

P.S- have a look at the video at the top- this one comes from a radio show (John Boy and Billy) and is read by Robert D Raford who loses it in the end while trying to read the story

So, my readers may have noticed that the lads from Party Krakow actually aspire to a good and cultured life. Whilst it’s true that Dawid has never nose-dived into a Handel concerto (Philip does so on a weekly basis), both lads have links with culture. Phil likes classical music, theatre, cinema, playing the piano, reading and writing, walking in the countryside, literature, sculpture, cooking and fine wines, Dave likes girls, beer and kick boxing.

The partners of the best stag outfit in the world have worked extremely hard, not only to produce Krakow’s best stag parties, but also to guarantee survival during the marriages of our clients.

Here are some post-stag party survival tips.

When our Krakow stag boy gets back to Britain, two options will await him:

• Cold shoulder and chops (to be avoided) OR
• A morning blow job followed by melt in the mouth, delicate pastries filled with a variety of succulent fruits and other ingredients. (highly recommended)

Either way, the honourable stag has to resist these delights, get of his arse into gear and get to work. Here is what he has to do:

Dealing with the first option is the easiest:

Cold shoulder and chops: The First Trick

1. Get out of bed and fart like hell
2. Don’t apologise
3. Turn on the stereo and put on the Rolling Stones “It’s all over now”
4. Make yourself tea or coffee and drink it
5. Leave without saying “goodbye” having smoked a Marlboro in the sitting room with the windows closed

The Second Trick

The second is a bit more interesting:

1. Leave the bed without farting having gently declined the offer of a blow job. Go to the stereo and put on something bright, light and gentle – Mozart’s flute and harp concerto is ideal. Go to the bathroom and fart like hell, but only after the delicate sounds of Mozart are there to disguise your anal rumblings. Use air-freshener. (Lots)
2. Go to the kitchen and boil water (use the kettle)
3. Beat some eggs till smooth and add a little fresh cream, ground black pepper and salt. Continue to beat till frothy.
4. Put some bread in the toaster. Bread is normally white or brown in colour and is covered by a crust. It’s usually found in the “bread bin”. You may have to slice it first, using a knife.
5. Take some butter from the fridge and add it to a medium saucepan and set it on low heat. Keep the butter out because you will need it for the toast.
6. Dive into the fridge and bring out the smoked salmon you bought on the way home the night before. If you didn’t buy it the night before, you are fucked! Go back to the first trick.
7. When the toast is cooked (it jumps up in front of you when it is), remove it from the machine taking care not to burn your foreskin or fingers. Spread the toast with some butter.
8. Remove the salmon from its wrapper and carefully divide it into the slices that are there in front of you. Place them on 2 serving plates, having first covered them liberally with beluga caviar before rolling them up. If you’ve forgotten the caviar, you’re fucked! Go back to the first trick.
9. Add the egg mixture to the pan with the hot butter and whisk it till cooked.
10. Remove the bottle of Dom Perignon  that you hid in the bottom of the fridge the previous night, quietly de-cork it and place the bottle, with two chilled glasses on a serving tray. Place the juice of the fresh Seville oranges you’ve just squeezed into a chilled crystal jug. If you’ve forgotten the Dom Perignon, you’re fucked. Go back to the first trick.
11. Place everything on the plates on large serving trays. Go back to the bedroom and deliver the breakfast to the sleepy person that you shared the bed with the night before. Offer her the breakfast. If you spill anything from the tray, you’re fucked. Go back to the first trick.
12. Serve this with either tea or coffee, depending on preferences.
13. If this is not the usual woman you wake up with, you’re fucked. Go back to the first trick
14. If your partner is not satisfied, you are not completely fucked. Get the hell out of there and then follow this link: www.partykrakow.com and find the best way to get back to Krakow.

Virtual Stag!

A few guys organized a virtual stag party in Krakow. They got themselves suitably oiled and dived into their little box of stag party outfits. One dressed as Superman, the other as Batman and the heroes departed on a mission to Jupiter. Mission accomplished, the lads set off back to earth, punching their way through outer space at speeds that are truly unbelievable.

Approaching earth from a distance of almost 400,000 miles can be a bit boring, even for super heroes. So Batman opened a conversation:

“Tell me, Superman, has anything unusual happened to you recently?”

“Well” he answered, “I had a cool weekend in Krakow, recently.

“Anything more interesting?” A bored Batman!

Superman, in his beautifully modulated baritone answers: “Why yes! Two weeks ago I had to go to Mars to check out the landing site for the next NASA mission. On the way back I decided to see London and diverted my flight over that city. It was warm and sunny and I had a clear view over the town. When I looked at the Post Office Tower, I couldn’t believe my super vision. Right at the top of the building was Wonderwoman. As naked as a naked woman could possibly be! She was sunbathing and writhing around in great pleasure. And  her legs were open in invitation.

“I thought about it for a few seconds before deciding what to do. I reached behind myself and lowered my blue tights revealing the old blue vein. Making momentary adjustments to the trim and yaw of my flight, I swooped in and shot straight into the gap between her legs!”

“My God” gasped an envious Batman. “She must have been surprised!”

“Too right!” replied Superman, “But not as half as the surprised as the Invisible Man was!!!!”

Never trust fancy dress too much since it can land you in the deepest, most invisible shit!

A stag party took off in Poland during the summer of 2008. There were 25 lads who decided to hire themselves some 4 wheelers while they were here. It was July and the temperature was around 35C (that’s about 95F in old money).The guys had a free day and found a spot on a mountain river where they did some skinny dipping. The stag got himself well-oiled on the duty free scotch they’d bought for the occasion and duly passed out. Some time that afternoon, one of the drivers announced his intentions of getting back to Krakow since they had a strip dinner and pub crawl organized.

They bundled the sleeping, naked Michael into a car, and set off in convoy for Krakow. On the way there, Dan the driver had a brainwave and asked Mike if he wanted a slash. Mike mumbled that he did and Dan duly stopped, gave Mike a nudge, and pointed to a tree against which he was supposed to take a piss. Mike fell out of the off-roader and leant against the tree to do what he most wanted. By the time he’d finished, Dan had driven about 50 meters away, leaving the swaying stag alone.

When Mike looked round, he saw about 200 picnickers with kids and dogs all looking straight at his naked imperfections. Dan had seen a sign saying “National Park” and dropped his mate there for a slash. Never trust your friends!

A stag once fell foul of all the food and booze he’d consumed during a 72 hour stay in Krakow. The poor sod found a liking for bean soup during his stay and reckoned without the consequences. He was between dumps and feeling seriously bloated whilst attending a strip dinner in a private room at his hotel. He was seriously pissed but also a gentleman. So rather than give vent to his farts in the company of his mates, he reasoned that he could reasonably slip upstairs to his room and do the deed.

He drunkenly excused himself and left the group and got into the lift. He punched a few buttons and comforted himself that he would soon be sitting on his crapper and voiding his bowels. The lift stopped and he hopped out and staggered off in the direction of room 61. When he got there, he was a little irritated with himself and his room mates for not having locked the door. The apartment could have been burgled by anyone that tried the door.

He entered the room and immediately turned left into the bathroom. Somewhat groggily, he dropped his drawers, sat down and let rip with a fart that lasted about 10 seconds. He then took a dump and blew away his breakfast in Liverpool, 2 lunches and one dinner in Krakow, plus all the gas generated by about 24 beers consumed in two days. It was, I’m told, loud, stinky and disgusting!

Thus comforted, our man cleaned up, washed his hands and left the bathroom. As he went, he looked to the left and saw the head waitress, sitting on her bed and looking at him in total horror. Instead of room 1, in the 6^th floor, he’d found room 6 on the 1^st, the room reserved for overnight staff!

Did you hear the one about the guy on his wedding night that thought his wife was virgin territory?

After the wedding breakfast, the happy couple went to their hotel bedroom where the husband thought he’d be able to establish his dominance of sexual matters for the rest of his life. “Begin as you mean to continue”, he thought.

His wife shyly undressed her beautiful body while he gazed in admiration at the creamy white flesh, the perky nipples and all the goodies that were presented to him. Tearing his gaze from the neatly trimmed triangle of hair that had been revealed by the removal of her panties, he croaked “Would you like to see my penis?”

She answered “What’s a penis?”

He smiled and removed his Kalvin Kleins to reveal his erection!

“This is a penis” he said whilst pointing to his throbbing member.

“Oh!’ came her unenthusiastic reply. “It’s like a cock but smaller…”