A  Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years  earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day...

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2009

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!

]]> http://www.partykrakow.com/kracking-blog/348.html/feed 0 http://www.partykrakow.com/kracking-blog/great-breakfast-for-the-lady-of-the-stag-who-has-just-visited-poland.html http://www.partykrakow.com/kracking-blog/great-breakfast-for-the-lady-of-the-stag-who-has-just-visited-poland.html#comments Tue, 19 Jan 2010 12:11:36 +0000 dawid http://www.partykrakow.com/kracking-blog/?p=290

So, my readers may have noticed that the lads from Party Krakow actually aspire to a good and cultured life. Whilst it’s true that Dawid has never nose-dived into a Handel concerto (Philip does so on a weekly basis), both lads have links with culture. Phil likes classical music, theatre, cinema, playing the piano, reading and writing, walking in the countryside, literature, sculpture, cooking and fine wines, Dave likes girls, beer and kick boxing.

The partners of the best stag outfit in the world have worked extremely hard, not only to produce Krakow’s best stag parties, but also to guarantee survival during the marriages of our clients.

Here are some post-stag party survival tips.

When our Krakow stag boy gets back to Britain, two options will await him:

• Cold shoulder and chops (to be avoided) OR
• A morning blow job followed by melt in the mouth, delicate pastries filled with a variety of succulent fruits and other ingredients. (highly recommended)

Either way, the honourable stag has to resist these delights, get of his arse into gear and get to work. Here is what he has to do:

Dealing with the first option is the easiest:

Cold shoulder and chops: The First Trick

1. Get out of bed and fart like hell
2. Don’t apologise
3. Turn on the stereo and put on the Rolling Stones “It’s all over now”
4. Make yourself tea or coffee and drink it
5. Leave without saying “goodbye” having smoked a Marlboro in the sitting room with the windows closed

The Second Trick

The second is a bit more interesting:

1. Leave the bed without farting having gently declined the offer of a blow job. Go to the stereo and put on something bright, light and gentle – Mozart’s flute and harp concerto is ideal. Go to the bathroom and fart like hell, but only after the delicate sounds of Mozart are there to disguise your anal rumblings. Use air-freshener. (Lots)
2. Go to the kitchen and boil water (use the kettle)
3. Beat some eggs till smooth and add a little fresh cream, ground black pepper and salt. Continue to beat till frothy.
4. Put some bread in the toaster. Bread is normally white or brown in colour and is covered by a crust. It’s usually found in the “bread bin”. You may have to slice it first, using a knife.
5. Take some butter from the fridge and add it to a medium saucepan and set it on low heat. Keep the butter out because you will need it for the toast.
6. Dive into the fridge and bring out the smoked salmon you bought on the way home the night before. If you didn’t buy it the night before, you are fucked! Go back to the first trick.
7. When the toast is cooked (it jumps up in front of you when it is), remove it from the machine taking care not to burn your foreskin or fingers. Spread the toast with some butter.
8. Remove the salmon from its wrapper and carefully divide it into the slices that are there in front of you. Place them on 2 serving plates, having first covered them liberally with beluga caviar before rolling them up. If you’ve forgotten the caviar, you’re fucked! Go back to the first trick.
9. Add the egg mixture to the pan with the hot butter and whisk it till cooked.
10. Remove the bottle of Dom Perignon  that you hid in the bottom of the fridge the previous night, quietly de-cork it and place the bottle, with two chilled glasses on a serving tray. Place the juice of the fresh Seville oranges you’ve just squeezed into a chilled crystal jug. If you’ve forgotten the Dom Perignon, you’re fucked. Go back to the first trick.
11. Place everything on the plates on large serving trays. Go back to the bedroom and deliver the breakfast to the sleepy person that you shared the bed with the night before. Offer her the breakfast. If you spill anything from the tray, you’re fucked. Go back to the first trick.
12. Serve this with either tea or coffee, depending on preferences.
13. If this is not the usual woman you wake up with, you’re fucked. Go back to the first trick
14. If your partner is not satisfied, you are not completely fucked. Get the hell out of there and then follow this link: www.partykrakow.com and find the best way to get back to Krakow.

A Hard Life in Italy

Three Italian women were labouring in a field on a hot and sultry day in August. The eldest straightens up, stretches and massages the small of her back.

‘You know’ she says, ‘I wish I was Sofia Loren!’

The other two ask hey ‘Hey why you want to be Sofia Loren?’ in a strong Italian accent.

‘Because’, she answers, ‘she has a beautiful face, a lovely body, great tits and loads of boyfriends and money. An’ she no have to work in no sweaty field in the middle of the summer!’

The other slightly older woman answers ‘Yeah! I know watta you mean. But I’d prefer to be Gina Lollabrigida cos she has an bigger pair of bazookas and even more money. An’ she no have to work in no sweaty field in the middle of the summer!’

The youngest then declares ‘An’ I wanna be Sarah Pippelini!’

The other two enquire ‘An’ who the hell is Sarah Pippelini?’

By way of answer, the young girl holds up a copy of the Sun, the headline reading:

SAHARA PIPELINE LAID BY 2000 WORKERS IN 3 WEEKS

*

Girls’ night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls’ nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her arse that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, We’ll never forget you!

*

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and other valuables and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this bloke’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to give you one, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates and hurts you. This guy is probably very dangerous and might kill us if gets angry. Be strong, sweetheart. I love you.”

His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you had a nice bum, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong dear – I love you too!!”

*

Birds and Bees

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mummy, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mummy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mummy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, sweetheart.” The child nods knowingly.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.”

*

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

‘Just where the hell do you think you’re going?’, asked the man.

‘I’m going to London’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get 200 pounds a night for what I give you for free!

‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.

The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on  400 quid a year!’

There was a young man from St Trinity’s

Who shattered his sister’s virginity.

He buggered his brother,

Had twins by his mother

And got a first class in divinity.

There was an old man called McCloud

Whose farts were extremely loud.

When he let off a big ‘un,

Dogs were deafened in Wigan

And horses were frightened in Stroud.

There was a young man from Tashkent

Whose dick was exceedingly bent.

To save himself trouble,

He shoved it in double

But instead of coming, he went!

*

A blonde visits her doctor where her worst fears are confirmed:

<Yes, Miss Jones. You are definitely pregnant.>

<OK, Dr. But is it mine?>

*

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.

Madonna

* Stuttering Problem A guy walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Ddddoc, I’ve bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III’m tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???”

The doctor says, “Well, I’ll have to examine you first before I can answer you.”

The doctor examines him and says, “Well, I’m pretty sure that I know what the problem is.”

The guy asks, “wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?”

The doctor says, “It’s your penis. It’s about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords.”

The guy asks, “Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?”

The doctor replies, “Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering.”

The guy says, “Dddo it!”

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor’s office and says, “Thanks Doctor. You’ve solved my problem and I don’t stutter any more but I’ve only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn’t enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don’t care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!”

The doc replies, “Nnnnope. A ddddeal’s a ddddeal!”

*

Need Samples An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.”

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: “WHAT?”

“What did he say? What’s he want?”

His wife yells back, “He needs your underwear.”

*

Young Love..
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside admiring the
beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple
making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to
himself, “Ah, young love… ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers…
C’est magnifique!” and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, “Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman -

she is dead!” and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to

tell Jean, the police chief.
He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, “Jean,
Jean, zere is zis man, zis woman… naked in farmer Gaston’s field
making love.”
The police chief smiled and said; “Come, come, Henri you are not so
old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,
l’amour! Zis is okay.”
“Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!”
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station,
jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri’s
story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.
“Pierre, Pierre… this is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field; zere is a
young couple naked ‘aving sex.”
To which Pierre replied,”Jean, I am a man of science. You must
remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, l’amour! Zis is very
natural.”
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, “NON, you do not
understand; ze woman, she is dead!”
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, “Mon dieu!” grabbed his black medicine
bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped
in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to
Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went
inside, smiled patiently, and said, “Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze
woman, she is not dead; she is British.”

Two gays enter a bar in Krakow and the senior of the two tells his chum to go to the bar and order two glasses of gin. Off he minces and, finding a place at the bar where he can discreetly massage his piles, asks ‘Two glasses of gin please.’

The barman, a dyed in the wool homophobe, says ‘Yes Sir. Certainly. What kind of gin would you like?’
’What do you have?’

’Well Sir. There are three types of gin. Oxygen, hydrogen and nitrogen. Which do you prefer?’

The poor young faggot was totally confused and returned, empty-handed, to his mentor to whom he gave a verbatim account of the conversation. This particular worthy was infuriated and stormed to the bar as fast as his mince could carry him.

In a stern but queenly voice, he summoned the barman and asked for ‘Two glasses of turd please.’

The barman was taken aback and stammered ‘I don’t understand you Sir’

The customer explained ‘Well Landlord. There are three types of turd. Custard, mustard and you, you big shit! Now give me two glasses of gin.’

Virtual Stag!

A few guys organized a virtual stag party in Krakow. They got themselves suitably oiled and dived into their little box of stag party outfits. One dressed as Superman, the other as Batman and the heroes departed on a mission to Jupiter. Mission accomplished, the lads set off back to earth, punching their way through outer space at speeds that are truly unbelievable.

Approaching earth from a distance of almost 400,000 miles can be a bit boring, even for super heroes. So Batman opened a conversation:

“Tell me, Superman, has anything unusual happened to you recently?”

“Well” he answered, “I had a cool weekend in Krakow, recently.

“Anything more interesting?” A bored Batman!

Superman, in his beautifully modulated baritone answers: “Why yes! Two weeks ago I had to go to Mars to check out the landing site for the next NASA mission. On the way back I decided to see London and diverted my flight over that city. It was warm and sunny and I had a clear view over the town. When I looked at the Post Office Tower, I couldn’t believe my super vision. Right at the top of the building was Wonderwoman. As naked as a naked woman could possibly be! She was sunbathing and writhing around in great pleasure. And  her legs were open in invitation.

“I thought about it for a few seconds before deciding what to do. I reached behind myself and lowered my blue tights revealing the old blue vein. Making momentary adjustments to the trim and yaw of my flight, I swooped in and shot straight into the gap between her legs!”

“My God” gasped an envious Batman. “She must have been surprised!”

“Too right!” replied Superman, “But not as half as the surprised as the Invisible Man was!!!!”

Never trust fancy dress too much since it can land you in the deepest, most invisible shit!

A stag once fell foul of all the food and booze he’d consumed during a 72 hour stay in Krakow. The poor sod found a liking for bean soup during his stay and reckoned without the consequences. He was between dumps and feeling seriously bloated whilst attending a strip dinner in a private room at his hotel. He was seriously pissed but also a gentleman. So rather than give vent to his farts in the company of his mates, he reasoned that he could reasonably slip upstairs to his room and do the deed.

He drunkenly excused himself and left the group and got into the lift. He punched a few buttons and comforted himself that he would soon be sitting on his crapper and voiding his bowels. The lift stopped and he hopped out and staggered off in the direction of room 61. When he got there, he was a little irritated with himself and his room mates for not having locked the door. The apartment could have been burgled by anyone that tried the door.

He entered the room and immediately turned left into the bathroom. Somewhat groggily, he dropped his drawers, sat down and let rip with a fart that lasted about 10 seconds. He then took a dump and blew away his breakfast in Liverpool, 2 lunches and one dinner in Krakow, plus all the gas generated by about 24 beers consumed in two days. It was, I’m told, loud, stinky and disgusting!

Thus comforted, our man cleaned up, washed his hands and left the bathroom. As he went, he looked to the left and saw the head waitress, sitting on her bed and looking at him in total horror. Instead of room 1, in the 6^th floor, he’d found room 6 on the 1^st, the room reserved for overnight staff!

Did you hear the one about the guy on his wedding night that thought his wife was virgin territory?

After the wedding breakfast, the happy couple went to their hotel bedroom where the husband thought he’d be able to establish his dominance of sexual matters for the rest of his life. “Begin as you mean to continue”, he thought.

His wife shyly undressed her beautiful body while he gazed in admiration at the creamy white flesh, the perky nipples and all the goodies that were presented to him. Tearing his gaze from the neatly trimmed triangle of hair that had been revealed by the removal of her panties, he croaked “Would you like to see my penis?”

She answered “What’s a penis?”

He smiled and removed his Kalvin Kleins to reveal his erection!

“This is a penis” he said whilst pointing to his throbbing member.

“Oh!’ came her unenthusiastic reply. “It’s like a cock but smaller…”