So, my readers may have noticed that the lads from Party Krakow actually aspire to a good and cultured life. Whilst it’s true that Dawid has never nose-dived into a Handel concerto (Philip does so on a weekly basis), both lads have links with culture. Phil likes classical music, theatre, cinema, playing the piano, reading and writing, walking in the countryside, literature, sculpture, cooking and fine wines, Dave likes girls, beer and kick boxing.

The partners of the best stag outfit in the world have worked extremely hard, not only to produce Krakow’s best stag parties, but also to guarantee survival during the marriages of our clients.

Here are some post-stag party survival tips.

When our Krakow stag boy gets back to Britain, two options will await him:

• Cold shoulder and chops (to be avoided) OR
• A morning blow job followed by melt in the mouth, delicate pastries filled with a variety of succulent fruits and other ingredients. (highly recommended)

Either way, the honourable stag has to resist these delights, get of his arse into gear and get to work. Here is what he has to do:

Dealing with the first option is the easiest:

Cold shoulder and chops: The First Trick

1. Get out of bed and fart like hell
2. Don’t apologise
3. Turn on the stereo and put on the Rolling Stones “It’s all over now”
4. Make yourself tea or coffee and drink it
5. Leave without saying “goodbye” having smoked a Marlboro in the sitting room with the windows closed

The Second Trick

The second is a bit more interesting:

1. Leave the bed without farting having gently declined the offer of a blow job. Go to the stereo and put on something bright, light and gentle – Mozart’s flute and harp concerto is ideal. Go to the bathroom and fart like hell, but only after the delicate sounds of Mozart are there to disguise your anal rumblings. Use air-freshener. (Lots)
2. Go to the kitchen and boil water (use the kettle)
3. Beat some eggs till smooth and add a little fresh cream, ground black pepper and salt. Continue to beat till frothy.
4. Put some bread in the toaster. Bread is normally white or brown in colour and is covered by a crust. It’s usually found in the “bread bin”. You may have to slice it first, using a knife.
5. Take some butter from the fridge and add it to a medium saucepan and set it on low heat. Keep the butter out because you will need it for the toast.
6. Dive into the fridge and bring out the smoked salmon you bought on the way home the night before. If you didn’t buy it the night before, you are fucked! Go back to the first trick.
7. When the toast is cooked (it jumps up in front of you when it is), remove it from the machine taking care not to burn your foreskin or fingers. Spread the toast with some butter.
8. Remove the salmon from its wrapper and carefully divide it into the slices that are there in front of you. Place them on 2 serving plates, having first covered them liberally with beluga caviar before rolling them up. If you’ve forgotten the caviar, you’re fucked! Go back to the first trick.
9. Add the egg mixture to the pan with the hot butter and whisk it till cooked.
10. Remove the bottle of Dom Perignon  that you hid in the bottom of the fridge the previous night, quietly de-cork it and place the bottle, with two chilled glasses on a serving tray. Place the juice of the fresh Seville oranges you’ve just squeezed into a chilled crystal jug. If you’ve forgotten the Dom Perignon, you’re fucked. Go back to the first trick.
11. Place everything on the plates on large serving trays. Go back to the bedroom and deliver the breakfast to the sleepy person that you shared the bed with the night before. Offer her the breakfast. If you spill anything from the tray, you’re fucked. Go back to the first trick.
12. Serve this with either tea or coffee, depending on preferences.
13. If this is not the usual woman you wake up with, you’re fucked. Go back to the first trick
14. If your partner is not satisfied, you are not completely fucked. Get the hell out of there and then follow this link: www.partykrakow.com and find the best way to get back to Krakow.

Every beer drinker knows that the real secret is to control the throat and keep it open whilst smoothly pouring the drink directly into the stomach. For those that find that a bit clinical and rather pointless, here are 4 alternatives.

1. For each person: crush 2 red hot bell peppers and blend with 1 tablespoon of tobasco. Add salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste. Drink in one mouthful. Wait for exactly 3 minutes with jaws clamped tightly together. Have the beer lined up and then, on the starter’s signal, drink the beer.
2. This is simpler and depends on the assistance of a nubile female (or 2) and the libido of the drinker. Simply line up one beer per person and bring on the lady wearing nothing but a thong. The fastest drinker gets to visit her private room above the bar.
3. Sword swallowing is based on opening the gullet and letting the blade slide downward whist resisting the urge to puke your _ _ _ _ up. Simply enroll in a University course on sword swallowing to bring your swallowing performance to peak level, then drink the beer.
4. Drill a 10mm hole through each ear slightly downwards into the throat. This will help to draw in air at the same pressure as you draw in the beer and will speed things up by about 7%.For the serious professional: a combination of all the above should guarantee the highest speed