So, my readers may have noticed that the lads from Party Krakow actually aspire to a good and cultured life. Whilst it’s true that Dawid has never nose-dived into a Handel concerto (Philip does so on a weekly basis), both lads have links with culture. Phil likes classical music, theatre, cinema, playing the piano, reading and writing, walking in the countryside, literature, sculpture, cooking and fine wines, Dave likes girls, beer and kick boxing.

The partners of the best stag outfit in the world have worked extremely hard, not only to produce Krakow’s best stag parties, but also to guarantee survival during the marriages of our clients.

Here are some post-stag party survival tips.

When our Krakow stag boy gets back to Britain, two options will await him:

• Cold shoulder and chops (to be avoided) OR
• A morning blow job followed by melt in the mouth, delicate pastries filled with a variety of succulent fruits and other ingredients. (highly recommended)

Either way, the honourable stag has to resist these delights, get of his arse into gear and get to work. Here is what he has to do:

Dealing with the first option is the easiest:

Cold shoulder and chops: The First Trick

1. Get out of bed and fart like hell
2. Don’t apologise
3. Turn on the stereo and put on the Rolling Stones “It’s all over now”
4. Make yourself tea or coffee and drink it
5. Leave without saying “goodbye” having smoked a Marlboro in the sitting room with the windows closed

The Second Trick

The second is a bit more interesting:

1. Leave the bed without farting having gently declined the offer of a blow job. Go to the stereo and put on something bright, light and gentle – Mozart’s flute and harp concerto is ideal. Go to the bathroom and fart like hell, but only after the delicate sounds of Mozart are there to disguise your anal rumblings. Use air-freshener. (Lots)
2. Go to the kitchen and boil water (use the kettle)
3. Beat some eggs till smooth and add a little fresh cream, ground black pepper and salt. Continue to beat till frothy.
4. Put some bread in the toaster. Bread is normally white or brown in colour and is covered by a crust. It’s usually found in the “bread bin”. You may have to slice it first, using a knife.
5. Take some butter from the fridge and add it to a medium saucepan and set it on low heat. Keep the butter out because you will need it for the toast.
6. Dive into the fridge and bring out the smoked salmon you bought on the way home the night before. If you didn’t buy it the night before, you are fucked! Go back to the first trick.
7. When the toast is cooked (it jumps up in front of you when it is), remove it from the machine taking care not to burn your foreskin or fingers. Spread the toast with some butter.
8. Remove the salmon from its wrapper and carefully divide it into the slices that are there in front of you. Place them on 2 serving plates, having first covered them liberally with beluga caviar before rolling them up. If you’ve forgotten the caviar, you’re fucked! Go back to the first trick.
9. Add the egg mixture to the pan with the hot butter and whisk it till cooked.
10. Remove the bottle of Dom Perignon  that you hid in the bottom of the fridge the previous night, quietly de-cork it and place the bottle, with two chilled glasses on a serving tray. Place the juice of the fresh Seville oranges you’ve just squeezed into a chilled crystal jug. If you’ve forgotten the Dom Perignon, you’re fucked. Go back to the first trick.
11. Place everything on the plates on large serving trays. Go back to the bedroom and deliver the breakfast to the sleepy person that you shared the bed with the night before. Offer her the breakfast. If you spill anything from the tray, you’re fucked. Go back to the first trick.
12. Serve this with either tea or coffee, depending on preferences.
13. If this is not the usual woman you wake up with, you’re fucked. Go back to the first trick
14. If your partner is not satisfied, you are not completely fucked. Get the hell out of there and then follow this link: www.partykrakow.com and find the best way to get back to Krakow.

There are loads of stag weekend destinations abroad but but not all of them are as great as Krakow

1. Krakow is one of the cheapest parts of civilised Europe where you can organise a great stag party abroad - Poland is still not in the Euroland so you may enjoy and benefit from the currency differences between cheap Polish Zloty and strong Pound Sterling
2. Krakow has an excellent accommodation pool - great hotels, apartments and hostels right in the city center at very affordable rates- especially when booked with accommodation packages
3. Krakow is easy to arrive in - a vast number of cheap flight carriers offer cheap flights to Krakow Balice Airport
4. Wide choice of stag do activities available in Krakow - this includes e.g: ASG, Quads, AK47 shooting, White Water Rafting, Go-karting, etc.
5. Fabulous females – girls in Krakow are a quintessence of Slavic appearance- slim, well shaped with long legs and peachy bums and most of them speak English
6. A dignified city to contrast stag activities - Krakow is now one of the most successful and interesting stag weekend destinations abroad if not the most popular ! It deserves its reputation on any ground- its spectacular mixture of Mediaeval, Renaissance, Baroque, Austro-Hungarian and Stalinist architecture presents a snapshot of history that exists in no other city. Besides 2 famous UNESCO objects lie in the very close proximity of it- the Wieliczka salt mine and the Auschwitz Death Camp- and we offer cheap sightseeing tours to visit both places
7. English is almost like a second language in Krakow
8. Students – 150,000 students study in Krakow so friendly atmosphere guaranteed
9. Free medical services - Poland offers good and free medical services for British travellers (provided you have E111/EHIC card)
10. Climate – there are no polar beers in Poland ! It’s actually quite hot in Summer- on average about +25 degrees Centigrade
11. Food - food in Poland is so deeply embedded in its traditions that no Polish person, on fear of losing face, will let you go hungry. The Poles have a phrase which describes their duties to their lucky guests: ‘A guest in my house is like God in my house’.
12. Drinks - you might not be aware of it but it?s Poles ?not Russian who invented vodka ! So when you came to Poland (and especially to Krakow) expect a boozy stag weekend with cheap but quality vodkas. Also the beers are some of the best in the world and quite strong. Normal beers here are of the lager type and the weakest about as strong as Stella Artois. So beware !!
13. Small city - Krakow is a compact city – everything you could possibly need on your stag weekend or stag night is located right in the city center – accommodation, pubs, restaurants, nightclubs, shops, lap clubs, etc? Only stag day activities are usually located beyond the city center but we provide full transfers so no need to worry
14. People - people in Krakow are friendly and welcoming. They are also well educated and pretty much cosmopolitan (there are 6 universities and 3 colleges in Krakow) and they can appreciate the impact on local economy that British stag groups bring here ! Krakow for Poland is more or less like Oxford for England (in terms of education at least)
15. Safety - the whole area of Krakow city center is covered by CCTV. Besides look above – people here and friendly and welcoming and don’t really look for fights unless you try really hard to get somebody pissed.